Journal

August 18th, 2019

Certain conversations, as the one I am about to speak, leave me in a state of confusion. Upon a message from Brake, after a good year, he spews tripe, a racketeer of words, and I so dizzily agree to his intercession and deposit into our intelligent conversation.

I can say now that I do not mind Brake. He is someone who comes and goes, who I have no care or feeling toward. Yet, his conversations provoke thought.

We recently had a conversation on the ‘intrinsic ability’ to understand. I confessed to Brake that I love that I will never truly know him and he asked me why I feel the way I do. I told him, why, it just is. This launched a discussion in which he concluded I am ‘not the wind’ and nothing just ‘is’. He told me that if I didn’t care to explain, why, I should’ve just said so instead of speaking foolishness. I told him I do not care to understand the feeling, but Brake has a weakness as it pertains to ‘insulting’ his intellect and claimed that I did so. I said, “If you care for me to insult your intellect, would you like me to tell you what to think since you cannot form a thought of your own?”

Not everything is meant to be understood, namely due to the fact of wonder that rises from the floor of the Earth and mystery that descends from the light of the Heavens. To understand everything is to never know peace. In what type of Hell is that? If I were to truly understand every thing that has happened to me, to people around me, for I can hypothesize or theorize why these things happen, but truly no one ever knows, for thought is admirable but to claim to understand everything is quite loony; this is how one suffers. To care to understand everything would mean I must want to understand others, and sometimes, I don’t care to do that at all.

I concluded then, Brake will never know peace.

March 16th, 2019

Dear Karen,

If you’re reading this, it means I actually worked up the courage to mail it, so good for me. You don’t know me very well, but if you get me started, I tend to go on and on about how hard the writing is for me. This is the hardest thing I ever had to write.

There’s no easy way to say this so I’ll just say it, I met someone. It was an accident, I wasn’t looking for it, I wasn’t one the make it was a perfect storm. She said one thing and I said another and the next thing I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the middle of that conversation.

Now there’s this feeling in my gut that she might be the one. She’s completely nuts in a way that makes me smile highly neurotic, a great deal of maintenance acquired. She is you Karen, that’s the good news. 

The bad news is that I don’t know how to be with you right now, and that scares the shit out of me. Because if I am not with you right now, I have this feeling we will get lost out there. 

It’s a big bad world full or twist and turns and people have a way of blinking and missing the moment. The moment that could of changed everything.

I dont know whats going on with us and I can’t tell you should waste a leap of faith on the likes of me… but damn you smell good, like home and you make excellent coffee that has to count for something right? Call me.

Unfaithfully yours,
Hank Moody

March 8th, 2019

I’m in pants the color of a sunflower, and they hug then flare like a blooming flower. Lexi and my mom are engaged in conversation talking about murderers. We’re in the den.

Things have been a bit peculiar. Maybe I’m shedding skin.

February 24th, 2019

Humans have somehow fabricated the idea that life is meant to be fair. Maybe I missed out on the rulebook when I came out the womb? Other than sheer luck or blessing, is why life has been unfair to you thus far. Anything absent of that is existential consequences of taking part of this thing we call LIFE. Life consists of sadness, anger, death, fear – we were never not promised any of these things – happiness, love, excitement, magic, and purpose. Rumination: to continuously think about the various aspects of situations that are upsetting.

In Charles Frazier’s ‘Cold Mountain’, he wrote:

“That’s just pain she said. It goes eventually. And when it’s gone, there’s no lasting memory. Not the worst of it anyway. It fades. Our minds aren’t made to hold on to the particulars of pain the way we do bliss. It’s a gift God gives us, a sign of His care for us.”

Ponder life too deeply and you will miss the magic of morning and the mystery of night.

February 16th, 2019

Lafayette is nearly a ghost town; I only feel at home when I take hilarious adventures with Gideon. I watched him eat a hamburger today. He fell asleep holding me while I watched Animal House.

February 12th, 2019

There is a very distinct vision I’ve had for some time now. I live on a beach, somewhere, and I hear the waves crashing on the shore outside. It’s overcast and a huge window faces the ocean. I’m not really sure where I am, but I can feel books nearby.

I am still trying to figure out what exactly I don’t like about ‘school’. I love to learn but when I am sitting in those classrooms, I feel incarcerated…yes, incarcerated is definitely the word I’d use. It makes me ache to change the teaching environment. I’d love to be a professor.

I’ve decided I am washing feet this summer.

February 4th, 2019

It is nice that Gideon serves as my second mind. He is so resourceful. I miss him very much. God is all we need.

January 20th, 2019

Women in Love // D.H Lawrence  – Chapter 3: Class-room

January 13th, 2019

Me, Anna, and Henry are cuddling watching The Punisher. Me and Henry just got done eating sour candy. I’m seeing Gideon in two days for the first time in weeks.

January 8th 2019

In Lafayette Square off Camp St., I shot with Joliet May and Malik Williams, both amazing artists in their own right, photographing me on a Tuesday evening. Joliet kept telling me to ‘Go off’ (I did in my pictures, as you can tell. Also, incase you’re reading this when you’re super old Nik, it means YAAAAAS. YOU GO. DO YO THANG GIRL). The night felt like a New Orleans history book and endless possibilities.

dwcbulou8aen1ew

 

Somewhere between Gallier Hall and my car, my license fell out my pocket. That’s the DMV early tomorrow morning, boss.

Von: 

Hey how would you like to play a part in my EP?

All it requires is a voice memo you wouldn’t mind being placed at the beginning of a song.

The idea is to make my project feel like one big conversation & the songs are just my way of relating to or explaining what others feel showing that they’re not alone

Simply finding my purpose 

(Which is why my ep is titled pimp: purpose is my passion)

In this EP, I’m a blind man though that’s the catch

Me:  It would be an honor and blessing Von!!!!!! OMG

Thank you for thinking of me and choosing me!

I would absolutely love to take part!

For some reason, I feel distance with my parents. Maybe it’s time to head back to college. They’d never say it, and they probably don’t even know it…but maybe I’ve overstayed my welcome. Am I wrong for thinking that? It feels odd. I’ve been doing so many things out my comfort zone and I haven’t been telling them anything. Do I feel like they don’t care? I know they care. It’s just so hard for our generations to understand one another and my parents are’t necessarily creatives…hmm.

Guess we’ll see.

January 7th, 2019

Yesterday was my first time wearing a collar under a turtle neck (thanks Lyssa). It looked spiffy and professional. It would not be my last time wearing that fit. The drive to Gentily was decent since I was on the phone with Gideon, but it took me about four hours to consult with my customer. I didn’t mind though. Hearing a different voice speak so much was refreshing.

A few hours later I pulled up to Anna’s house. The first person I hugged was Jay; he spun me in our embrace and I felt like I was floating. I hugged Zac, and I can tell he’s elated to be with us. Anna and Jordan were sitting in the car; I opened the door, kissed Anna on the cheek and held Jordan’s hand. “Hey guys!!! I missed you so much! How was your day?” Henry was in his car; I knocked on the window and told him to hold my hand, he looked at me like Henry does and goes, “Why.” Love. Zac brought a friends with him – Cube. Quiet, but I knew if given a chance, he might have a lot to say. He thought I was crazy, that I knew for sure.

We all went to the backyard and sat in Anna’s patio chairs. It’s about 11:30pm. Jay and Heath have been dating for some time now. The air pierces all the creases in my body and my fingers are numb. Anna pulleys the umbrella above us and there’s stars inside. ‘Superconnector’ is on my iPad; Cube and I are the only ones who don’t smoke. Eventually, it is only Anna, Jordan, and Zac left.

We talked about a lot. It’s so cold, my feet were frozen and static spreads through my sole every time my shoe touches the pavement. My breath smoked in the air. We shivered under our words.

There’s a few things I figured out:

  1. Jordan is one of the strongest human beings I’ve ever met. She is so gentle under her armor of steel and no doubt a warrior.
  2. Zac laughs more than anyone I know, maybe almost as much as myself, and I really love that.
  3. Henry is going to be okay.
  4. Maybe in the midst of us talking about love and life, someone’s life changed just a little bit. Everyone chooses what they receive.
  5. I love people.

img_4954

This afternoon I spoke with a hurting Mars on Facetime. He’s hurting; I’m hurting. For the first time, I knew there was nothing I could say; a man in love and a man in the midst of losing his love are humans with a force of nature.

He raised his voice, he got quiet, raised his voice again, and remained quiet. Losing a love is hard. I prayed for him and prayed for the world.

January 5th, 2019

Last night, me, Lyssa, and China went to eat at Gordon Biersch, a pretentious restaurant with disgusting food. It wasn’t that bad, but I’ve had better…at Wendys. I was dressed in a button down collar and a black sweater with black jeans and shiny loafers to take candids for Lyssa’s brand. It was the first time Lyssa wore her red ‘Put God Great Again’ hat. A lot of people are afraid of it, and won’t even look. It amazed me how people form judgements without knowing an entire story. Anyways, I bought a hat from her. She just raised the price from $20 to $22.

img_4944img_4943

Taken: @BakeryBar

Afterward, we went to Bakery Bar. It was me and China’s first time and Ace met us there. We stared at pastries for about a half hour before getting seated. Ace drank a Skinny B*tch; I had chocolate chip beignets and China attempted to eat some cake balls that tasted like cardboard box. I guess you could say it’s one of those try-hard fancy places. I came because I thought there’d be board games, and I know if anyone, Ace is super competitive. We don’t allow allow board games on the weekend. I tried to convince the waitress otherwise, especially while reading ‘Thank you for Arguing’, (look, I’m trying to implement what I learn, ok?) and it was a powerful attempt with unfortunate results. My manager said no. Thanks for trying!

Lyssa got a bad headache. I dropped China off; she’s on her way back to Pennsylvania to finish up her last semester. We hugged, something we never really do.

January 4th, 2019

‘Ego is the Enemy’ by Ryan Holiday has changed my life. Every time I read something, it makes so much sense, the right sense in that it takes me closer to altruism and away from selfishness. I truly can’t believe it.

Last night: The patio. A white plush couch surrounding a television mounted above the fireplace. The day’s gray skies were shadowed by a black night with twinkling stars peaking over thick clouds. Wind blew through the tiny holes on the enclosure and whistled in the air. The pool’s water swayed. Rain tap danced on the pavement occasionally changing its tempo in accordance to nature’s song. The world seemed as if it was all there.

Mars, Rome, Anna, Jordan, and Zac piled on the couch. It was cool outside, so we had blankets. It was Mars and Rome’s second time meeting (I think?), but they clicked as if they’d known each other a lifetime. Jordan just came back from Arkansas – she had an ‘okay’ time. Zac just came from the gym; he was eating Taco Bell. Anna was tired so we cuddled.

We watched Vacation in a fit of smoke, and indulged in two bags of Doritos the size of my head and ate sixteen cinnamon buttered rolls that reminded me of childhood and stomach aches…but in a good way. Rambunctious laughter bounced off the walls and then into the night, somewhere.

The whole time I thought, I live for this.

Everyone left at three in the morning.

The last thing I remember was picking up my iPad and yellow notebook from the table; it read: Radiate Positive Energy.

December  31st / January 1st

11:59pm: I’m at Anna’s house. Great energy. There’s about thirty people outside and this guy sets off an arranged line of fireworks in the street. It’s 12. They blow up in the sky’s fog. So beautiful. I’m screaming, “IT’S 2019!!!! IT’S 2019!!!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! IT’S 2019!!!!!!”. I think: I love fireworks. I love them so much. I’m a firework. Someone offers me a beer. I make an subconscious decision that I’m not drinking tonight. I’m drunk already.

2:20am: I’m in a different set of clothes. We go to Red Eye: I’m with Anna and her friend Zac. He’s really fun and we get along well.

2:27am: 

Me: Cool. Look for a blue leather jacket whenever you see it!

Clyde: You're wearing a Blue Leather jacket? *laughing face*

Me: Yep *laughing face*

2:45am: It cost $20 to get in Red Eye. We don’t enter; everyone is outside for obvious reasons. I see an old friend and he tells me he’s running for governor after he finishes prelaw at LSU. Amazing. Governor’s current favorite philosopher is Montesquieu. He has lots of thoughts and he’s super articulate, which is very appreciated. I’ve been out here wishing everyone a Happy New Year. This guy, he will govern. No Twitter. No Instagram. “What do you do in your spare time?” I like to learn. I ask him what he thinks of love, and he says he never does. Think about love. I figure he is too busy thinking about everything else. Read 12 Rules for Life, he says, it changed me. 

I tell a lot of people I love them and Happy New Year. For the first time, it really feels that way.

3:06am: Anna is arguing with her best friend Henry. She’s pissed. We’re somewhere on some side street near Red Eye walking to the car. It’s me, Anna, and Zac. Henry follows then stops me: tell Anna I’m going take five Xanax. He leaves. I wonder how to deliver this information.

3:20am: Zac and I are in good spirits. We’ve managed to comfort Anna through her theatrics. At the end of her passionate monologue ‘FML’, she says, “I need a drink.” We’re at Lucy’s. People are dressed up and it feels like a movie.

3:22am: Ace is here. I’m upstairs, he’s downstairs. A bouncer:

“Once you leave downstairs, you can’t go back up.”

Me: “Seriously dude?”

“Seriously”

“My friends are up there. C’mon, it’s 2019. You see that I’m already up here – why would you not just let me go back up?”

Ace laughs at me from the other side of my cage.

Bouncer: “It’s closed. Tell your friends to come down here.” Lucky for him, Anna and Zac come down anyway.

Me: “I wish we could’ve met on different terms.”

Bouncer: “Likewise.”

Ace and I talk for a bit. It’s all smiles and laughs as always. He tells me his ride is on his way. It’s his mom. I decide Ace is one of my favorite people.

4:30am: Anna asks me to drive because she’s drinking. I don’t mind. Zac is drinking too. Anna keeps saying she wants to go to Vinny’s and shoot pool.

Me: “It’s 4 in the morning, Anna.”

Zac: *laughing uncontrollably*

Anna: I’ve been getting really good! I have to know how to shoot pool, I work at a bar!

Me: “You really want work on your pool skills at 4:30 in the morning? Absolutely not you crazy person.”

4:55am: Anna’s house looks empty and dark. Firework pieces trash the street. Her brother and his friends are all awake inside as if 4pm, and I’m thinking this is great. Brains work different around this time. We go to the patio and there’s six of us. We laugh all night. There’s nothing like great conversation and great people.

6:20am: Anna decides to shut it down. She has work in the afternoon.

6:22am: Gideon calls. After a long, upbeat conversation about the magic of our night, we fall asleep.

2018

I smile most of the time – I feel as though there is no other way to live. But I’d be a fool not to say that sometimes, Life is hard and the way He goes about teaching us lessons can  feel merciless and all consuming.

People are amazing, because they are the cornerstone of our imagination. They are what make us believe there is more out there, more to ourselves. We build fantasies around them and fall in love and before we know it, they become part of our story and our future and soon, we believe there is no other world without them.

The trick is, we all have our faults, some more disgraceful than others. But who am I to judge? Who are we to judge anyone.

I lost one of my dearest friends this year to blinding desire in which we both acted in a way that destroyed the essence of our friendship: trust, honor, respect. Was it even there at all? The mirror became undeniably difficult to look in, because of my own actions performed out of spite and hurt. Emotions are so blinding. Before you act on emotions, take a twenty-minute timeout. You’re welcome in advance.

Forgiving others is easy for me, but forgiving myself? Well, that takes a while. When this happens, it’s hard to figure out what life is really about. You realize that times will suck even more than this “It could be worse. I could be dead.” and you accept that. But to overlook the life that was given to us that we don’t even deserve? The ability to breathe oxygen stuns me sometimes. To see. To hear. To laugh. To Feel. To BE. There is nothing that will ever trump that.

When I live, I live for it all. The love, the heartache, the fear, the happiness, the anxiety, the excitement, the hurt, the loss, the wins, the lessons, the possibilities.

We choose what shapes our lives and how they will define us. 

Huh… Life is strange.

December 29th, 2018

Lyssa told me people have trouble with forgiveness, because they feel as though it’s an action; you don’t do forgiveness, you BE forgiveness. While reading today, I couldn’t stop thinking about Tyler. “TY, ARE YOU EXCITED IT’S ME?” I called; we’re good.

It’s almost the New Year. I’m very excited. Scary. Frogs made a ton of noise outside on the patio, but it was nice and smelled like rain. Anna and Will keep changing the plans for December 31st.

Mom cried today; she misses her dad. It was tough to watch, but I watched. Anna’s going to come over, and I think we’ll watch Venom. We have more than enough blankets. Gideon is upset with me, and I’m upset he’s upset, but I hope we will be okay. A ton of weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

December 28th, 2018

I bought four books from the bookstore. I sat on the phone with Gideon until we both decided on the four out of five I’d choose. The cafe was nearly empty, and it smelled like coffee and chocolate chip cookies. My favorite way to read is in sweats – jeans distract me. Christmas knickknacks and tub salts were fifty percent off. Barnes and Noble felt like great company and a warm hug. I decided to kill my ego today. Anna invited me over for Scrabble.

Yesterday, my dad lectured me about regiment. I made my bed this morning.